The highest highs and the lowest lows. The unbridled joy and the most painful heartache. The greatest fun and the hardest work. These are just a few of the things that make parenthood the best and hardest journey I’ve ever embarked on.
Mother’s Day just passed and it’s always a time of reflection for me. I think about my own wonderful mom and her gift of unconditional love. I think about my Gram who profoundly impacted me with her servant heart. And, I think about being a mom myself, which came somewhat belatedly to me.
There are many labels that could be attached to me but, apart from child of God, there’s one without equal.
Mommy.
At one point in my mid-30’s, after my failed first marriage, I thought that having children might not happen for me. I tried to convince myself, without thinking too consciously about it, that I was okay with that. But deep down in my heart, it was a longing. It always had been.
Somewhat belatedly, a mommy I became
We just never know where life will take us and how much can change in a relatively short amount of time. A few months before my 38th birthday, my beautiful girlie, Noelle, arrived. And just two short months before I turned 40, little Benji made his entrance.
I can say, without any hesitation, that my kids are the most wonderful gifts that I’ve ever been given by God. I’ve been blessed to have had many adventures. I’ve traveled the world, lived in different countries and had success in my career. But, when it comes down to it, as thankful as I am for these and other things, for me nothing compares to being a mom.
Celebrating my birthday a few years ago. One of my “gifts” was Noelle letting me do two pigtails in her hair – I think that was the last time. 🙂
9 months and 55 pounds later, my girlie arrived!
With Noelle, my pregnancy was a busy time of life, juggling a demanding career while planning for my relocation from Vancouver to Seattle. Not far in distance but still two different countries with the complexity of immigration, which is never an easy thing. My belly grew, very quickly and very large. I added 55 pounds to my body that had been pretty lean before pregnancy from climbing and running. By six months, people were asking if I was about to give birth any day now. When I replied I was still months away, they asked if I was sure there weren’t two in there!
Hello my sunshine! My beautiful, smart girlie, Noelle, shortly before her 12th birthday.
I’ve been known to be a little stubborn and was determined to have a natural birth. Phew! 18 hours of labour preceded Noelle’s arrival until finally the doctor said there was no way that was going to happen and I was prepped for an emergency C-Section. At 7.59pm, on a Fall evening in September 2006, my girl arrived. Oh my goodness, what a beautiful little girl she was right from that first moment! I’d say it was love at first sight but she was loved from the moment I knew she was growing in my belly. It was more an overwhelming joy at finally getting to meet my precious girl, all 10 pounds and 22.5 inches of her!
Taking her home from the hospital was one of the most exciting and terrifying things ever. Trying to put a newborn baby into a car seat for the first time is intimidating and scary! Those first few days at home with her were a blur of joy, exhaustion and fear that I was going to mess things up. I’d check on her constantly when she slept, watching that her little chest was going up and down to be sure she was still breathing. So much worry and wonder tied together in this life changing experience.
Joy, followed shortly by loss and heartache
Shortly after Noelle turned 1, I was pregnant again. Oh happy days! But on a cold December day in 2007 I went in for a regular ultrasound and they delivered the devastating news that I’d miscarried. The drive home was surreal. I’d gone in to the doctor’s office that morning with a little baby on the way and I was coming home with the news that my little Poppet was with Jesus and we wouldn’t meet this side of Heaven. As I write this, my eyes are teary as it still hurts to think about. The fact that it happened just before Christmas made it even harder. I love this time of year but was experiencing something so sad that seemed at odds with the joy of the season. Added to this sadness, the doctor didn’t prepare me for what to expect during the post-miscarriage treatment. For now I’ll just say it was horrifying to me, especially as I was trying to process the loss of my little Poppet. I do believe that I’ll meet my little one when I make my way into Heaven one day. Until then, I think of Poppet in the loving care of Jesus.
Another 55 pounds and another blessed gift
Not too long after this, I learned that I was pregnant again. My heart was filled with thankfulness and joy. It was a busy time with busy-bee one year old Noelle and preparing for the arrival of a second little one. The month after Noelle’s second birthday, Benji arrived. I was overwhelmed by love. The love for my new child didn’t displace any love for my other child. Instead, I’m certain my heart doubled in size that day and it’s continued to grow ever since, filled with love beyond words for these gifts from God.
My Benji-boy, in San Diego, aged 9. He definitely knows how to use his charm on his mommy!
The greatest privilege of my life
Motherhood is not easy. It’s fraught with fears, failures, sacrifices and guilt. It shifts the focus away from self to others. It’s easy to get lost in the demands and busyness that comes with juggling family, work and other life demands and wonder what’s up and what’s down. But, oh my goodness, for me there’s nothing so wonderful as hearing my kids call me mommy. Or the warm glow I feel from my girl’s casual hug or the sweet kiss on my cheek from my boy. This is the best part of life and I’m so thankful for them.
There have been hard times and there’ll be hard times again. I don’t know what’s coming but my deepest wish is that my kids will know that they’re loved unconditionally. That there’s nothing they could do to separate them from my love. That regardless of what, how, when or where, I’ll be there for them. That they’ll never be alone as long as I’m around and that when they need a safe place to return to, I’ll be there. Always.
Mommy loves you with all my heart, my darlings. xxx
Adventures in the Canadian Rockies, along the gorgeous Icefields Parkway (one of the most beautiful roads in the world by the way).
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